Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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