Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's blow job season.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
