I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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