Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
