yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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