Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
