So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
