Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
