make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
