Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
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