Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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