I think I won the penis lottery.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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