i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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