Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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