mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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