apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
