I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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