There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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