note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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