The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
