i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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