i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
