I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
