Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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