I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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