I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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