sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
