can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
