If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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