I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
