it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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