he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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