The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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