I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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