I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
