I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
