I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
