Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
