and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
