Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
