Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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