K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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