My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
