if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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