Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
