I think I died a long time ago.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
