God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
honey bunches of taint.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
