can we get nightvision for the apartment?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
