you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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