I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
