genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
