i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
